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A Strange Thing I’M Going Through, Need Some Help
My question is simple to understand, just it took me a little long to explain it’s context.
With my relationship with the girl I’m willing to marry (example name Farzana) , there have been many incidents where I helped her or did favor or did something that she liked. and out of such incidents many were Haram things. Some apparent sin and some hidden sin in which outwardly it doesn’t seem sin but was sin because of intention. Like for example helping her with feeling of Riya. Or doing something good which I thought is Haram (whereas in reality it wasn’t) , and thus the action became sin due to my intention to disobey.
What started to concern and worry me was that as human natural behavior. when we sometimes remember someone’s past good action towards us, we feel a feeling of doing something good as a return for that favour to that same person. And this worried me that there can be incidences where any of the Haram favour I did for her, comes in her mind. And she subconsciously feels like doing something for me that would make me happy, as a return of that favour (that Haram action that I did towards her).
I thought I should just tell her to not do something for me in return, whether for past or in future. so in this way neither will I get any return of favor for my past Haram action, but also of any future Haram action that I may do intentional and unintentional towards her. Then thoughts kept coming that how often and frequent shall I remind her (I still know that despite this there’s still chance that she unintentionally sometimes does something for return subconsciously and I unconsciously take benefit from it, but I feel relax that after my efforts to be far from it, any unconscious sin would be not sinful). I thought reminding her everyday at a specific time or after every few days, is feasible and okay for me and I can do it.
But now, a strange new thing I’m facing.
Now when talking to her, if some sin happens during conversation, for example while trying to make her laugh, I did a little back bite of someone. or accidentally some sin. I get a feeling that it’s my responsibility that I should stop everything and conversation about everything and immediately remind her, and also tell her that right now, this such and such action that I did right now was done in sin, and she should not do anything for return of this when she thinks about it in this conversation.
My brain thinks like this because in small conversation we tend to do small things immediately in return for a good thing. (one such example would be when for example someone shows me importance by asking questions about my well being, I feel like I should also reciprocate this respect and then I ask those or similar things back, to make them feel happy and important, my intention is not interested in his well being but reciprocation of his respect he gave me and give him back that same type of respect).
Such little quick reciprocal responses that humans do to return good behavior of others with good reward of similar behavior, with intention of reciprocation. This scares me that everytime, I accidentally or deliberately, do something prohibited while interacting with her. I feel that I’m responsible for immediately telling her, else I’ll be sinful if she does something in return for it right now and I receive it, before reminding her here
This becomes unfeasible for stopping conversation everytime and stopping everything and reminding her and refreshing her, it is making me feel scared to carry conversation. what do I do please guide me where it’s needed.
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14 Replies
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A Strange Thing I’M Going Through, Need Some Help
updated 2 weeks, 3 days ago
2 Members
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14
Replies
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It is too long to grasp.
Your problem is your OCD that makes unreal things real to you.
Treat your OCD. Ignore your thoughts and focus on building a healthy relationship.
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@Irfan76 sir I understand sir, but please can you please guide me, as I am stuck about whether it’s incumbent on me to take the measures that I wrote in the last or not? It’s causing me distress and worry. Is it a responsibility on me?
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Leave the past, focus on the present, and do whatever you do in the right manner. What is done is done.
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@Irfan76 sir if while in conversation and interaction with her in future. If I commit a sin (intentional or unintentional) while trying to make her happy, or please her. Am I required to immediately stop everything and tell her that right now in such thing, some sin happened. So be careful that you don’t do anything with subconscious intention of return for this act that I did. Is it incumbent on me sir?
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To tell her about it is not an obligation.
However, if you keep paying attention to your unreal thoughts, you can’t have a healthy relationship. Treat your OCD and ignore these thoughts.
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@Irfan76 sir a similar situation is also about my friend. I had done him past favors and good things, some of those things were apparently halal but actually I did in sin. Some of them favors in Haram things or helping in matters that were not good. In summary, things for which if I get something or some favor as a return, then those return favors will not be halal for me to accept and utilize (they would be analogous to Haram earning)
This friend of mine, I never highlighted this aspect to him,
That he should not do something with intent of returning a past favor that I did to him… as a precautionary measure to protect myself from unconscious utilization of a favor by him which he is doing with an intention of return for a favor that I did to him in past (and that favor was Haram for me, either apparatently or due to my intention).
If I highlight this aspect, he’ll be vigilant. And chances of me consumping and utilizing something Haram without knowledge would decrease.
So here would I be required to highlight this aspect to him? As I highlighted this to the girl I want to marry.
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Every transaction is a new transaction. Religion does not look at things this way.
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@Irfan76 so sir if my friend does something for me, and at the back of his mind his intention is to return a favor that I did to him (and that favor was Haram)… Will this thing that he is doing for me now, in help, with such intention, is it halal for me to accept and take benefit from?
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The same question repeated.
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@Irfan76 sir can you give me an example of which type of or how should his intention be when doing something, that would make it impermissible for me to take benefit from? I mean sort of falling in the same category of Haram earning?
I am asking this so that I can comparatively understand better that where religion looks at things as Haram and where it doesn’t. Just as you highlighted that in the example I shared above religion doesn’t look at it this way
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@Irfan76 sir just for comparative understanding. Can you please give me an example that in such relationships. With what type of intention should the friend gives me something, that it maybe now closer to Haram earning and hence not permissible? How should his intention for giving be, such that islam would see this as a return for Haram favor and now falling under category of Haram?
This is so that I can understand that what doesn’t follow such case wouldn’t fall into something objectionable and hence be okay to take benefit from
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I can tell you the principle only. Whatever you do, the probability of sinning is always there. Muslims are obliged to avoid committing sins consciously. If you want to avoid sin by not taking a risk, it is your choice.
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@Irfan76 sir I understand this that unconscious sin wouldn’t be a problem, so I remain relax about it, as long as it remains unconscious (it doesn’t happen because of my negligence, where I didn’t neglect a precautionary measure which should have been taken). We try to do some effort in preventing it with what resources we have (and this proves we are not care less). Then after it, if sin happens unconsciously that’s no problem. That’s how I understood (please correct me if I am wrong).
So sir here, I can freely have friendship and mingling with the friend, and I don’t let the risk of unconscious sin happening allow me to stop from mingling.
but as a precautionary step that can be taken, am I Islamically required to tell my friend about this phenomenon? that if he does something for me with intention of returning a past favor that I did for him (my actions for doing that favor were Haram, either intrinsically or because of my intention), then this thing’s utilization would be impermissible for me. so in this way my friend be mindful and would not do something for me with intention of returning a past favor deliberately in his mind (and hence chance of him mindfully intending to return a Haram favor would decrease), and I would decrease the risk of unconscious sin for myself.
If my friend isn’t mindful about this phenomenon, am I Islamically required to at tell him and make him aware? As a precautionary measure?
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Every action is a new action and will be judged accordingly.
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