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Please Help Me In My Distressed Fighting With My Own Thoughts
Assalamu alaikum. I would like if someone can give me some direct answer. I know the situations I am trying to describe is very tangled and problematic. But I am carrying this severe thoughts for last 4-5 months. i can no more carry it. Please help me someone.
My husband divorced me (I am not going to that details) and I could not bear that pain. I am severely emotionally scarred.I believed this guy. He promised me to be back in 2 years from abroad.And gradually distance increased between us and one day I could not bear his cold behaviour and sent him a heated message usually he didn’t like them. He disconnected all communication with me for 3 months and suddenly sent me a divorce letter. Knowing that I am waiting for his return as per his promise. This is the summary as whole story will be very long.
So I could not bear this pain. i am severy traumatised due to such a sudden divorce. As we are from subcontinent I hope you can imagine how much a divorce affect to a girls family. My whole family is traumatised. Even my mother faced a heart attack due to this trauma. (Though she had other tensions also. Buy ot is one of them)
I am carrying this pain since 2023.
I did ask Allah to punish them for harming me and also said I am not forgiving them.
Days went by. I somehow learned to live with this betryal.
Recently 4-5 months ago I got to know in few fatwa site that forgiveness cant be taken back.
And from that moment internal thought started to came to my mind ‘ok forgive them’ and then again I thought no I dont forgive them.
In last few months I cant remember when I didn’t wake up with this traumatised internal fighting.
In one hand I try to fix the thought in another hand they get tangled more and more. I can’t tell you I cant describe it.
So in a time it happened that I could not fight and to stop all these thought and to put my mind calm in mind I said like ‘if I wear this dress I forgive them otherwise not’ I said it in mind i. a decisive way. Because continuously these type thoughts came to my mind. and I tried to put an end to it.
But later on like aftwr few days I said Allah that I dont. Forgive them. (Indicating whether I wear that or not)
And such thought came every now and then. I tried to discard them or even if in mind I said that forgive them immediately retracted from them.
Question 1: Does any of those thoughts even the case that I retracted months later really mean the forgiveness is binding upon me? Like even when writing this mail some thought came to mind like in xyz situation I should forgive them.(that hypothetical situation was something that I thought it would entail kufr) so first I said in mind (wordings are not fully matching) ok forgive them. Then I said I didn’t forgive them. And Also said that I am cancelling the thought itself(indicating to the hypothetical scene where it would have been kufr not to forgive them). so ultimately I said that I did not forgive them and I am cancelling the internal thought of ‘forgiving them’. Thus back and forth I am being attacked again and again.
Does it now mean I have to forgive them? Can I take forgiveness back(even if it was done)
I don’t want to forgive them. The way I am scarred only Allah knows.
And later on these thoughts grow large to larger. And these thoughts went to such an intese level that I kept on thinking for like hours a day. My prayer, office everything delayed. I wanted to end ip with a logical solution but once I came out with a logcal thought some other thought came to me. Hundreds of ‘what ifs’ situation. And at a moment I came up with a hypothetical situation where I concluded that if in this situation I dont forgive them it can be kufr!
So I said to Allah in mind if to remain muslim I need to forgive them I am forgiving them. And just after that I understood that this condition itself is a very problematic condition.
And then I told to Allah I am cancelling this condition and asserted that I believe that all these problematic hypothetical situations will not happen, hasn’t happen. And whether forgive them or not I am muslim.
Somehow I calmed my mind. and again and again similar thought came and haunt me. And several time I end up thinking like if to remain muslim (at that moment my conclusion is like if don’t do this in such a hypothetical situation then it can be kufr) i will do that. And then again I become restless and again say to Allah that I am cancelling this condition and also cancelling any relation with this condition and my action. (I.e whether I do it or not I am muslim)
The reasoning I gave to me is that this condition itself is very problematic and even if it were a rule of Allah I would accept the rule whether I follow it or not. So ultimately it is NOT kufr. And one hand I pacify my mind another hand new tension arise.
My question 2: if someone hurt me evenif I forgive them can I still ask Allah to punish them?
I have heard that when when we hurt someone by our action can be sinful for hurting them even if the action itself was legal. So can I ask Allah to punish them for hurting me? The emotional scar I am carrying is so heavy.
I know reading my question perhaps you are thinking I am so vindictive. But believe me he was my whole world, I faced and sacrified a lot for him. But he just threw me away when he attained his financial stability.
And I am not insane. I am very meritorious lady. I am a good software engineer. But somehow these thoughts make me insane and mad.
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14 Replies
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Please Help Me In My Distressed Fighting With My Own Thoughts
updated 1 month, 3 weeks ago
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14
Replies
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The fatwa you read is about legal matters. Once you let go, you can’t take it back.
As far as emotional harm is concerned, it follows no logic. You tried to forgive him, but you could not. So, if you demand justice, it is fine.
Your condition indicates you need to consult a psychologist or psychiatrist.
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Assalamu alaikum bhai.
The problem happens when I don’t try to even think about them and these thoughts come to my mind. And I can not avoid them.
Let me tell you fron where this fear starts to bother me and gradually haunt me.
I started think/fear like what if it was not injustice from his side but I am not forgiving then in that case it may be kufr from my side. Because I feared it may entail istihalal as in this case I was thinking something to be injustice which is not.
I don’t know how this thought came to my mind it was around in august when I started to have this thought. And after that day almost every single day I woke up with this fear. And then had to essure in my mind like if he did not do injustice then forgiving him otherwise not.
And the more I tried to fix this thought the more I got tangled.
What if this scenario happened, what if that happend.
Like I spent hours and hours.
The issue is the question come to mind like what in xyz scenario not forgiving them can cause kufr (istihalal) so then I can not avoid the thought. With a fear/assumption that I should assert that in that case what I have done. (Like the scenario/questions come in past tense)
If such question come ‘agar aisa hain’ as if not forgiving them, asking their punishment in xyz IS kufr (because at that moment the thoughts take me to such a ‘what if’ situation that I fear that in that what if situation not forgiving/asking their punishment can cause istihalal.) In that moment can I just avoid this thought without asserting anything and say to myself like (in mind) I don’t want to indulge this what if it IS kufr.If it were a kufr then I would have act accordingly.
Like this can I just avoid the thoughts with out asserting like ‘If it is a kufr not to forgive then I am forgoving them’
Please remember the what if situations are like as if at this moment the situation is happening. For an example ‘ if his action is not injustice then?’ and when this question come do I have to assert that then I have forgiven?
2. And I cannot tell you how much I am exhausted with this thoughts and pain. i ask for my death I cant bear this fear anymore. Like when I woke up even today instantly the thought come what if I asked their punishment for divorcing but I shouldn’t ask for this rather I should ask for promise breaking. Then I again trapped in to the thoughts.
And I trapped into a paradoxical situation. In one hand i came out with a conviction that his reasons can be valid to break the promise of coming back but even in that case divorcing abruptly even after several promises is a trust breaking. So I got puzzled and trapped again.
In such cases even if I get conviction that yes his reasoning was perhaps valid enough but then cancel this conviction thinking that I don’t need to think of his reasoning and validity. Even if his reasons were strong enough from my perspective I have been betrayed so I am not forgiving them and asking Allah to punish them according to his knowledge. Is my this conclusion correct?
3. At first I decided that their whole action of divorcing abruptly yet after promising to come back is a betryala to me. So I asked Allah tonpunisj them. But then I was thinking what if I need to decide in which cases I have forgiven them and in which case not (Like the above question.). Like if I need to seperately decide for breaking promise, for divorcing abruptly without giving sharing proper reasons earlier and thus I got no proper chance to save the marriage.
And again and again same loop. I don’t know how many hours I lost for this.
If even after getting conviction that their reasons were strong enough to break the promise if I discard that and say to Allah (in mind) I know their reasons can be valid (as I was having a conviction) but I don’t want to think about the reasons. Because even if their reason was valid from my perspective it was a betryal so I don’t forgive them and ask You to punish them according to Your knowledge.
Am I wrong for this kind of decision?
Am I sinful if I disregard all kind of conviction about their reasoning? I know if I keep thinking about it I will end up with decision that their reason is valid!
4. Again a earlier a thought came why don’t I ask any scholar about whether I need to decide each and every action of them and then decide about their each action whether I forgive for this action whether for that action.(like I shared in question 2/3).
Then I told to myself I think I don’t need to.
Again I said to my self even if I ask a scholar it may be he answered wrong and give me such an answer which ends up forgiving them. So in that case it may be like for my decision Allah also forgive them and I don’t want to loose any chance where Allah can punish them but due to my decision. So I won’t ask scholar about these ‘what if’ scenarios.
Does my this kind of decision made me a sinner?
I just cannot afford to forgive them so if there is any chance they are to be punished by Allah I want that.
And due to this once I also thought like even if All the scholars of the world tell me that due to my internal thoughts and internal decision I have lost the chance to ask Allah to punish them even in that case I will pray to Allah like please punish them.
With a hope that seeing my desperation He will provide justice even though from my side taking forgiveness back is a sin.And for this sin HE WILL forgive me.
Again I also thought if all the scholars say I have lost the right to ask justice in that case I will ask Allah that ‘I am believing their fatwa but if their fatwa is wrong then please punish my husband’
Then again I told Allah that I am cancelling this thought because Allah did not ask me to knock every scholar.
My question is even if I decide like, if all the scholars tell me that I can’t ask justice because of my several back and forth thoughts even in that case I will ask Allah to provide me justice because it can happen that all of them are wrong!!
Though I know if there is consensus we have to follow that fatwa.So I decided I will believe their fatwa but yet ask Allah to provide justice in case somehow they are wrong!!!
Did this thought made me kafir?
5. Do I really have to look on their every action seperately and then decide whether I forgive them or not as I had conviction that their reasons may be valid?
6. Isn’t it enough if I say like I know their reason can be valid but from my perspective they betrayed me. i am not forgiving them and asking your justice?
7. And sometimes if it happen like
after Such thoughts I decide ok I forgive them in xyz cases (because at that moment I thought I should do so) and later on when rethinking I found out my earlier thought was problematic, ambiguous or I could have take th decision of not to forgiven them. so in that case I again retract the forgiveness. Will I be sinful for this?
Suppose it happened that earlier I told Allah (in mind but a decisive way) that if you decide you will not punish them then I am forgiving them otherwise not.
Then suppose after many days I understood my decision was incorrect because Allah can forgive anyone anytime.So I cancelled it and told him (in mind but in decisive way)
if they are not punishable at all (like no sin, injustice from their side) only then I forgive them. But as I don’t know the reality so I don’t forgive them and ask Your punishment for them.
Is it ok? Please help me. I am just buried with thoughts. This comment took me around 3 hours to complete!!!!!
Perhaps my question can easily be written like, even if in my thoughts, or by uttering once I decide that “ok Allah I have not asked for their punishment” (as if from this moment have stopped asking their punishment / have not asked their punishment from this momen) then can I again ask Allah to punish them? Will it be a sin any how?
I know my questions are so confusing but I feel suffocated. Can’t bear this pain. I fix from one side and again fall into same trap.
My main fear started with fear of kufr.like even if I know they did not do injustice and still then don’t forgive them it may entail kufr. And then to fix that fear I end up with such messed up situation.
Once I get conviction that their reason can be valid to justify their act. And then I cancel that by thinking even if their reasons are just enough I don’t forgive them because for me it was betryal/trust breaking.So I don’t forgive them and ask Allah to punish them if they are punishable. Is it ok?
Please help me. I loved Allah. i used to talk to him a lot. i shared all my pain to him. In my mind I used to talk to him. And now I fear him. Because of these situations
I am extremely sorry for posting such a messed up comment
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God is not unjust. If your anger is misplaced, God will not punish him; if, suppose, he is not guilty, and God will not blame you, either, for your wrong perception, because you, anyway, are hurt, too.
You need to understand what Kufr is. Kufr means not to accept a reality or knowingly disobeying God.
As advised earlier, consult a psychologist or psychiatrist.
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Sorry I am perhaps made you disgusted. But I try to fix one hand and again fall into the same circle in a broader manner.
I fix smaller thought and then fall to larger one.
if intentionally or unintentionally in a arrogant tone I think ‘Even if Allah is saying so I am not going to do this’ (in past tense) and if while thinking I was understanding this arrogance tone can cause kufr. So after thinking this I tried to fix the thought as it is problematic.
So initially I I said sorry to Allah and told I am cancelling this arrogance tone ‘Even if Allah said so’ but also said that but I will not do the act.
And tried to move on.
Later on I feared that may be I have to ensure something like ‘Even if Allah said so I have done this’. And that put me in a paradoxical situation. In one hand I know He has recommended forgiveness and
on the other hand if I complete the sentence it put me situation of forgiveness! And thus I tried to pacify my mind thinking/ deciding I don’t need to assert anything. Saying sorry for the arrogant tone is enough.then again I got into loop what if I need to assert the fact. And then if intentionally or unintentionally in mind thought ‘Even if Allah said to assert the act I am not asserting anything’ and then I fall into a broader circle. Then again I calmed My mind thinking if Allah said so I am beleiving the fact but I beleive he did not say something like this (pondering the thoughts, re assuring the old thoughts that I fixed earlier ) etc. And thus I got tangled in every way. And I could understand that I can’t fight this battle any more.
So I ultimately ended up deciding
‘Ya Allah I am sorry for this thoughts in arrogant tone indicating to ‘Even if Allah say so’ and I am cancelling this thought in such arrogant way. But still I won’t do those acts like forgiving or revisiting the earlier thoughts and asserting what I would have done.
So does my above thought show any disrespecting to Allah or do I HAVE to assert the fact like ‘IF you are saying so then I am doing so’
most of the toughts are tangled with each other I can’t even remember them properly.
Like earlier I calmed my mind somehow by thinking or asserting that I don’t need to ponder into them. Now today somehow I ended up thinking like (in a arrogant tone) ‘Even if Allah is saying to think about those earlier thoughts and ensure what I would have done in those scenario then Also I won’t do this’
Thus I fix my thoughts one way and get tangled in other way and I am failing to break the loop.
In my thoughts it happened like I told Allah ‘if you are saying so I will do whatever I need to do as a muslim’ then I understood these thoughts are very much problematic. Then I again told Allah I am cancelling this thought of ‘whatever I need to do as a muslim’ because it put me in a problematic situation. Then again I feared that cancelling this thought itself may be problematic. So then I told Allah I am cancelling the 1st part ‘even if you are saying so’ because for some cases it is not known to me what you say, for some cases I know what you say I am beleiving them and even if I don’t do that its not kufr.
And the thoughts that come to my mind is in present/past tense. Suppose ‘even if Allah has said this I haven’t done it’ and that mainly put me to the fear of kufr. If it were in future tesnse i could have fix it easily.
Thus I am fully devastated by my own thoughts. I am drowning.
My question: if such thought intentionally or unintentionally or deliberately come with a arrognat tone ‘even if Allah has said so I am not doing this’
Is it enough if I just say sorry and cancel the thoughts that I think with arrogant tone? like ‘Even if you said so’ or the whole thought ‘Even if you said so I haven’t done this’ is it enough just to cancel the thought? and say sorry for the arrogant tone?
Or I have to ensure What I would have done if Allah said so?
Can I just cancel the whole thought and move on without asserting any action?
Do I have to assert/ensure what action I would have done in such cases?
My fear is that the thought come in an arrogant tone. And that is killing me. infix one issue I got into another.
Would it be ok if I just cancel the thought that suppose I had in arrogant tone ‘even if Allah said so’ and move on? Because I know doing sin is not kufr. So even if one does anu sin that is not kufr but this arrogant tone is killing me.
Can I just cancel the arrogant portion of the thought ‘even if Allah say so’ and say sorry for that and move on because ultimately I don’t want to forgive, don’t want to indulge in thoughts that I had earlier and somehow closed them.
Or I have to ensure the act in a positive way like ‘even if Allah said so I am doing this’!
Do I have to say/think so?
I am really sorry for such a tangled message. But I can’t bear this fear any more. Please help. Psychiatrist said to stop thinking and do some other task. But they are not scholars who can say if I need to ensure like ‘even if Allah say this then I am doing this’
I hope you will read my comment with empathy and not get disgusted. I know my comment itself is very pathetic. But I am exhausted in this battle.
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It happens in intense feelings, but once you repent and correct your thoughts, it is fine.
Again, you need to move on.
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So, suppose in mind if I get arrogance tone ‘even if Allah said so I am not doing this’ and then repent for this arrogance tone and then in a proper tone I say like I know Allah recommended something else but I am not doing that. Is it ok?
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Such opposite thoughts come because of OCD. You should ignore them and get yourself busy in something constructive.
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Assalamu alaikum dear sister Tasmin,
Your pain is real and very heavy, and no one who has not lived your story can fully feel what you are carrying. Your husband’s betrayal, the sudden divorce, the shock to your family – all of this is a form of zulm, and it is normal for your heart to feel broken, angry and confused.
Please know this: these endless “what if it is kufr?” thoughts are waswas and a result of deep hurt, not a sign that you have left Islam. You are still a believer as long as you hold onto La ilaha illa Allah and you do; your long, sincere search for guidance itself is a beautiful proof of your iman.
In our deen, a wronged person is allowed to ask Allah for justice. If you are not ready to forgive, you may simply say: “O Allah, if he truly wronged me, then take my right from him in the way that is most just in Your knowledge,” and then stop there without making any more conditions in your mind. You do not have to analyse every scenario or replay it hundreds of times. Allah knows every detail better than you, and His justice will never miss anything.
Try, from now on, not to answer each new scary thought. When it comes, say in your heart: “This is waswas. I already chose to believe in Allah and leave my case to Him,” and then turn your attention to something else, even if the fear remains for a while. Over time this will, in sha Allah, weaken the waswas.
You deserve support, not judgement. Please consider seeing a compassionate Muslim psychologist or psychiatrist who understands trauma and intrusive thoughts; this is a halal means that Allah has placed for healing, not a weakness in faith.
May Allah heal your heart, protect your iman, give you a future better than what was taken from you, and give you full justice in this life or the next. Ameen.
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Thank you for your warm words. @Shahab001
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Salam Sister,
Sometimes it is almost impossible to take out yourself from a situation you even not thought about once in your life and you become trap of it. In my opinion, you are trying to fighet your thoughts or in other words yourself alone. I suppose you if by the help of Allah, if you try to find practically, not just think or fighting with your if and buts, a qualified psychiatrist, I have one 100 percent believe in our Allah, you will be the winner Gladiator of this endless foghet. Allah is always on your side.
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Wa alaikum assalam bhai. Actually I am riding this boat alone in such a fearful ocean! I even feel scared to talk to anybody. I continuously feel worried about ‘what if’ situations.
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I have read your entire message very carefully. First of all, please know this: you are not alone. When a woman—a daughter, a wife—goes through such a shock, her heart, mind, and soul all get wounded together. The state you are describing is not just one incident; it is a continuous process of breaking inside, and I can truly feel that as a woman.Please firmly understand this: you are not insane, not vindictive, and not weak in faith. What happened to you was a severe emotional and psychological trauma, and the thoughts that followed are intrusive thoughts (waswasah)—they are not your real beliefs, intentions, or decisions.I am answering you as a sister, very simply and clearly.The most important pointThoughts that come into the mind, mental conditions, sentences said internally, or intentions that are immediately taken back are not religiously binding.In Allah’s sight, only a clear, deliberate decision made with peace of heart and free will matters.What you are going through is:Continuous waswasahMental confusionDeep trauma caused by betrayal and divorceThis is not an issue of faith, kufr, or sin.Question 1:Did forgiveness happen at any point, and did it become binding on me?The clear and direct answer:No. Absolutely not.When a woman is in intense pain, fear, and mental pressure, and says something only to silence her thoughts, that does not count as valid forgiveness in Shariah.You repeatedly made it clear:That you do not want to forgiveThat you took those words backThat you are a Muslim whether you forgive or notAll of this proves that no forgiveness ever became established.Islam gives a woman the right to:Take time for her woundsAcknowledge her painAnd not forgive if her heart is not readyThis is not a sin.“What if not forgiving is kufr?”Sister, this thought is pure waswasah, not reality.Forgiveness is:Not obligatoryNot a condition of faithNot a condition for remaining MuslimIt is a high moral level that comes only when the heart is ready, not by force.Question 2:If I forgive, can I still ask Allah for justice or punishment?Yes.This is completely permissible.A woman can forgive from her heart and still say to Allah:“O Allah, You know my wounds, You have seen my tears—You decide with justice.”This is not hypocrisy; this is being human.Some words as a sisterYour constant thinking, spending hours stuck in these thoughts, and your prayers and work being affected—all of this shows that your heart is still in trauma.The cure for waswasah is not debating with it, but stopping giving it importance.Fix just one sentence for yourself:“O Allah, You know my heart. I leave this matter to You.”After that, do not enter arguments with your thoughts.Final words (from the heart)Your pain is real.Your tears are valuable.In Allah’s sight, no woman’s suffering goes to waste.May Allah grant you peace—slowly, gently, at your own pace.For further reading, I sincerely recommend this book:“Why Do Difficulties Come Upon Us?” by Sajid HameedThis book helps in understanding emotional burdens and viewing trials from a healthier, more balanced perspective.
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Thank you. Keep in your salat
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میرے خیال سے آپ کے لیے یہ کتاب مددگار ہو سکتی ہے ۔ہم پر مشکلات کیوں آتی ہیں ۔ساجد حمید ۔
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