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Seeking Guidance: How To Deal With A Knowledgeable Relative Who Abandons Prayer
“”Assalamualaikum,I seek guidance regarding my brother, who has abandoned his prayers. This does not imply that his actions stem from ignorance, as he is well-versed in knowledge, and I have even witnessed him performing Tahajjud. I have sincerely advised him, yet he continues to neglect his prayers. In such a situation, is it permissible to boycott or distance oneself from him?
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12 Replies
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Seeking Guidance: How To Deal With A Knowledgeable Relative Who Abandons Prayer
updated 3 weeks, 5 days ago
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12
Replies
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“Furthermore, it is also clear that he built a library for us using his own pocket money, which clearly shows that he has no lack of knowledge, nor any need for preaching or admonition.”
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No there is no need t boycott or distance yourself from him. Namaz is private and personal spiritual act.
Boycott is only justified when he is harming others, spreading corruption, or mocking religion publicly or when distance will bring reform.
Namaz is an obligation, but guidance can not be enforced through coercion.
What your brother might be going through is spiritual exhaustion not lack of knowledge or anything else.
It’s better you don’t force him even if you do it very politely or calmly namaz will become related to pressure and performance
Give him time and let him figure out himself what namaz is
All you can do is just have occasional, natural conversations about faith and prayer, without aiming to convince or correct just so u can exchange your pov’s on islam and he might get a knew piece of perspective from you that can help him.(But make sure u don’t force anything just a random discussion)
{Personal note: i started praying when i was like in 8th class and prayed even tahajjud everyday for like 3 years, then after that i reach a period where i couldn’t pray or feel anything towards namaz or Allah it was spiritual exhaustion. At first i tried even harder and harder cuz i was afraid i started praying even more but then all of sudden i didn’t wanna pray at all so i stopped praying altogether. I was afraid and scared that i am missing so many prayers but even then i prayed it felt like i am doing some ritual or physical exercise. Then after a period of like 1.5 years i stopped praying and not a week ago i found a new baseline a new meaning of prayer it makes me motivated and not exhausted at all and i am so happy that i got this insight. I didn’t forced myself at the end and focused more on meaning then namaz itself. I tried and understood the whole religion and this gave me new sight for my spiritual connection to Allah.)
So let him figure out himself all you can do is pray for him and just have discussion’s.
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We never stopped communicating; in fact, just today he led us in the Fajr prayer in congregation. Alhamdulillah.
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Assalamu Alaikum.My question was not about a general relationship; it was about a person who lives in the same household, and that too someone who is a person of knowledge. In my view, your opinion here is incorrect.In Minhaj al-Qasidin, Allama Ibn al-Jawzi’s view is that if a relative, despite being a Muslim, disobeys the divine commands, then severing ties with him is permissible. In this matter, he does not merely express an opinion; rather, he actually encourages doing so. If you wish to verify it, please see page number 143.
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Wa alaikum assalam.Thank you for sharing the reference and your perspective. I understand where you are coming from, and I respect that classical scholars have discussed distancing in certain situations. At the same time, I believe these discussions were always meant to be applied with context, wisdom, and human understanding, not as blanket rules for every individual case.
My concern is that spiritual struggle, confusion, or even withdrawal from religious practice does not automatically place someone in the category of harmful disobedience that warrants severing ties. Almost everyone—including ourselves—passes through phases of doubt, exhaustion, or distancing at some point in life. If such phases justified cutting family bonds, then very few relationships would survive.
Islam repeatedly emphasizes mercy, gentleness, and preserving relationships—especially within families. Cutting ties is generally mentioned in situations where continued closeness causes real harm, moral corruption, or negative influence. In this case, your brother is not harming others, spreading immorality, or pressuring anyone away from faith. He is struggling internally, which is a very different matter.
Ultimately, faith is between a person and Allah. Even close family members cannot fully know what someone is battling internally. Passing judgment on the state of someone’s iman risks overstepping boundaries that Islam itself warns against. Pressure, distancing, or moral policing often increases guilt and resentment rather than guiding someone back.
I believe your role as a sister’s here is not to correct or withdraw, but to remain supportive, normal, and emotionally available—without preaching or force. If conversation happens, it should be gentle discussion, not instruction. Guidance grows best in an environment of safety, not fear.
So while I respect the scholarly reference you mentioned, I do not believe it applies to this situation as a binding rule. Wisdom lies in distinguishing between moral corruption and human struggle. This appears to be the latter.
May Allah guide us all with balance, softness, and insight.
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I truly value your time, knowledge, and understanding, which is indeed worthy of praise. May Allah increase your knowledge and wisdom.Regarding Ibn Jawzi, I hope you are familiar with him—he was a scholar of great stature. It is in his works that this hadith is quoted, stating that it is not permissible for a Muslim to avoid speaking with their brother for three days.I also appreciate your point of view, because the same perspective has been expressed by Imam Ghamdi in Meezan and by Maulana Wahiduddin Khan.However, the situation here is entirely different, because his faith is intact. When my brother reminds him and says, “Think about the Day of Judgment and what you will present before Allah and your deeds,” he responds with a slight smile. This matter is not related to knowledge or rebellion.According to Ibn Jawzi’s opinion, I sincerely believe that such rulings cannot be applied to everyone, otherwise the work of da’wah and its system would be disrupted.Even so, I would like to know your opinion on this matter. Please keep in mind that here the situation is completely different.
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Wa alaikum assalam.
I understand what you’re saying, and I also understand why this situation feels “different” to you. But that is exactly why psychological and emotional context matters here.
When someone who was once deeply practicing suddenly stops, this is very often not a matter of belief, rebellion, or defiance. In many cases, it is spiritual and emotional fatigue, burnout, or an internal crisis that the person themselves may not yet know how to articulate. Knowledge does not protect a person from this—sometimes it actually makes the struggle heavier, because guilt, self-expectation, and fear of judgment increase.
His reaction—smiling when reminded about the Day of Judgment—does not automatically mean dismissal or arrogance. Psychologically, people often smile, deflect, or go quiet when they feel overwhelmed, pressured, or emotionally exhausted. It is a coping response, not a theological statement. This is especially true when reminders come from family, where the emotional weight is much stronger.
This is also where boundaries become important. Even as a sister, you cannot see what is happening inside his heart, nor can you measure his internal struggle or timeline. Islam never made family members responsible for policing one another’s private acts of worship. This remains his test with Allah, not a shared moral failure that the family must correct.
Boycott and distancing have a very specific context in Islam: when someone’s behavior is actively harmful, corrupting others, or pulling people away from faith. That context does not exist here. In this situation, distancing is far more likely to increase shame, isolation, and resistance—psychologically pushing him further away rather than helping him return.
So the most realistic and effective position is this: maintain normal relations, remove pressure, stop repeated reminders, and allow emotional safety. Let him breathe. Guidance often returns when a person no longer feels watched, evaluated, or cornered. Your role is not to fix his faith, but to remain a stable, compassionate presence while Allah deals with what is in his heart. -
Perhaps there has been a misunderstanding. It is not the case that we keep advising or preaching to him repeatedly. In reality, at night the family and cousins sit together and talk regularly; these gatherings often include joking and, at times, mocking one another. My family members actually stop him in such situations, and since I do not like idle talk, I do not sit there myself—though the voices may still reach my ears. This does not mean that anyone is constantly inviting or preaching to him.Secondly, he is not emotionally or mentally disturbed at all. There is no pressure from his wife, no financial burden; in fact, he lives quite comfortably and spends freely. When a person is genuinely busy, it can be difficult to find time for prayer, but he is completely free.Another important context is that I have chosen to keep my distance because his moral standard has declined significantly. You can now understand that this is an ethical matter. When someone’s moral conduct deteriorates, keeping a distance is appropriate. This is not a case of mental distress, but rather a test of blessings.Perhaps I did not express this clearly earlier: his moral level has fallen considerably. From your discussion, it seems you are well-read and can understand that, in such a situation, maintaining distance is justified. In reality, he broke a commitment he had made to me. We had agreed on a shared learning responsibility, which he violated. Earlier, we trusted his word; later, I even put it in writing, yet he still broke that commitment.I believe the issue should now be clear: in this situation, maintaining distance is justified.
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Thank you for clarifying the context. I appreciate you explaining it in more detail. I do want to say, though, that earlier the discussion was presented mainly around his prayer and faith, and now the issue has shifted to moral conduct, broken trust, and personal commitments. These are very different matters, and naturally they lead to very different conclusions.
At this point, it feels less like you are seeking guidance and more like you are looking for confirmation of a decision you have already made — and that is actually okay. If you feel harmed, uncomfortable, or unable to trust him because of broken commitments, then maintaining distance for your own emotional and ethical boundaries is valid. You don’t need religious justification for protecting yourself.
What I want to gently point out is this: the strongest reason to create distance is your own harm and loss of trust, not a judgment about his inner moral state. None of us — not even siblings — can truly know what another person is going through internally, or measure the reality of their struggle. Declaring someone as “morally fallen” is a very heavy conclusion, and Islam repeatedly reminds us that inner states are known only to Allah.
From what you’ve shared, this is also one side of the story. I cannot decisively say whether he is right or wrong based on perspective alone, and I don’t think it is my place — or your’s or anyone’s — to pass a final judgment on his life or faith.
So if distancing helps you stay emotionally safe, you are free to do that. Just as he is accountable to Allah for his choices, you are accountable for how you protect yourself. Beyond that, neither of us can carry responsibility for fixing or diagnosing another person’s spiritual journey.
I think you’ve already reached clarity for yourself, and that’s okay. I wish peace for both of you, and I hope things ease with time. -
Perhaps I am not able to explain my point clearly, or maybe you are not understanding it from the perspective I mean. The connection between ethics and the heart is obvious. The issue is not only that he made a commitment regarding Persian learning, but also that he is not just my brother; he is my teacher and my supporter as well.I don’t know—perhaps you are right, and I am reacting to his situation based on my own feelings. We never know who, after going deep into sin, may sincerely repent, or when a believer might go astray. These matters are beyond our knowledge.I can only pray to God that He grants guidance to all of us.
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I really appreciate your honesty and the way you acknowledged your own feelings — that takes sincerity and maturity. It also helps clarify the context much better than before.
I think recognizing that emotions, disappointment, and broken trust can influence our reactions is already a form of growth. And you’re right — guidance, decline, repentance, and return are matters that ultimately rest with Allah, not with us.
I respect the way you’ve ended this by placing the matter back with Allah and choosing duʿā over judgment. May Allah grant ease, clarity, and guidance to all of us.Jizak Allah
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Thanks for your time.jazzakallah
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