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Nikah Dilema
I am 38 yeras old married in 2020 having 2 Kids, 4 yr Old Boy and a 6 months old Baby girl. My wife recently passed away 2 months after giving birth to second child. I tried to move forward and marry finding an unmarried girl knowing She has some medical issues and can not give birth thinking that she would able to take care of my children. Now the Nikah has been performed. After Nikah I came to know from the girl herself that due to the already mentioned medical issue, She has got some other undesirable changes in the body like her breasts are totally not developed. After knowing this,I am not sure, may be she might have got other issues. Knowing this thing certaily has affected the attraction towards her and I am afraid it might affect post Marriage relation as from the past experiance, I know am not sexually that much active and finding a woman less attractive would make me even less active and could not satisfy her desires. On the other side I am deeply concerned about the reputaion of the girl and her family.
Not sure whether it is the right platform to ask the question but such is my frustration that I proceed with asking the question.
What should I do? I am deeply depressed even by the loss of my young wife and this thing adds up to the frustration and depression.
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3 Replies
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Nikah Dilema
updated 1 day, 20 hours ago
4 Members
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3
Replies
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First of all, I am really sorry for your loss. What you are going through right now is not just stress — it is grief, shock, and emotional exhaustion. Anyone in your place would feel confused, heavy, and uncertain. Please don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this way.
It is important to know that grief, stress, anxiety, and depression very often reduce libido. This is a natural psychological and physical response. When the mind is overwhelmed, the body pulls back. This does not mean something is permanently wrong with you, nor does it mean your future is broken.
At the same time, try not to place expectations on her either. The physical condition she mentioned is not something she chose, and pressure around intimacy could make her feel insecure or afraid. If you do not feel attraction right now, don’t force anything. Forced intimacy only creates more pain. Let things remain gentle and normal for now — attraction sometimes grows later through emotional safety and understanding.
You are still in the middle of mourning, so this is not the time to make big decisions. Give yourself space to let the loss settle. If possible, have her undergo a complete medical check-up so you understand her health clearly. And since you mentioned low libido even before this, it would also be wise for you to get checked — not as blame, but as care for yourself.
Please try to communicate honestly and kindly with her about what you are feeling. Let her know this is about your emotional state and grief, not about her value as a person. Clear, gentle communication can prevent silent misunderstandings that hurt deeply.
If you continue to feel numb, disconnected, or overwhelmed, speaking to a psychologist or counselor can really help. This is not weakness — it is self-respect. You have been carrying a lot alone. Grief does not disappear in a few weeks or months. Sometimes attraction, emotional warmth, and sexual interest are suppressed simply because the heart is still mourning. Let the loss settle. Allow yourself to heal instead of expecting yourself to function normally right now.
Lastly, remember that intimacy is not only physical. For many people, it grows from trust, emotional safety, and feeling understood. Right now, your heart needs healing before anything else.
Be patient with yourself. You are navigating loss, responsibility, and change all at once. Decision shouldn’t be made in moments like this, you are in a very difficult phase of life, and this is not the right moment to make rushed or irreversible decisions.Taking things slowly and kindly is not failure — it is the wisest path forward. -
Things should be clarified before marriage, as it’s a serious matter. You shouldn’t move forward unless you’re certain about the marriage. Take Mahnoor Tariq’s advice, please.
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If feasible then please consult with Dr. Shahzad Saleem after registering at the following link:
https://www.ghamidi.org/consultation/
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