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Can A Haq Mehr Be Demanded?
As-salaam-alaikum everyone, I need advice.
I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years, planning marriage. Recently, a major issue came up regarding Haq Mehr. My fiancée specifically asked for 3 tola gold, and insisted it must be given publicly as Haq Mehr so her family can feel proud and she can “show people.”
Initially, I wanted to keep Haq Mehr simple (as per Sunnah), but later on secretly I had planned to gift her 3 tola gold on our wedding night, privately, so it’s between us and close family. I felt this way it would be an act of love, not a show-off.
She didn’t know about my plans but I asked her to trust me on this that I would do something better than this but she couldn’t say yes. She even said she won’t marry me if I don’t give it publicly as she wants. This broke me, because I expected love and trust to matter more than gold. I sent her various verses, she didn’t understand it and took it as a allegations of showing her as a bad person but instead it was just to make her understand the thing she wants is not wrong but the thought behind it is morally, islamically and ethically wrong and doesn’t aligns with my value.
Anyways she said that I won’t marry if this doesn’t happen and at this point I wanted to reveal my plan and even before that I asked her if she meant that she wont marry me because of some gold or she really don’t trust me on this, her responses were same and then after telling her my plan, I cried but she accused me of making her look like a gold digger and turned it on me. Finally, I told her it’s over and we cannot be together.
My question to you all:
• Was I wrong or unfair in this matter?• Is her demand justified, or is it a red flag?• Should marriage really depend on this, when I was already planning to give it my own way?
Please give me honest advice. -
10 Replies
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Can A Haq Mehr Be Demanded?
updated 1 month, 1 week ago
5 Members
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10
Replies
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Haq e mahr is not a private matter. Like marriage it should be announced publicly that however much mehr the husband will give to her wife. There is not concept of simple or cheap mehr in Islam. The holy prophet gave the most expensive haq e mehr to his wives. Haq e mehr is the honour of women and she has right to announce it.
Private gift is another thing.
Marriage is serious matter and should be treated accordingly.
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I respect your reply but I highly suspect you misunderstood my question here. Nowhere I said Haq e Mahr would be given privately.
What she demanded would be give as a wedding night gift and Haq e Mehar gift would be seperate from it in a simple manner.
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I’m so sorry brother, this is seems like an awful situation to be in. May Allah Talla do what is best for you. Forgive me, for this is unsolicited advise but I think what Dr irfan means to say is that, the giving of a more expensive Haq Mehar is justified islamically. However it seems that the real issue here is that you are hurt that she unwilling to compromise on what she values on your behalf and she is hurt u are unwilling to compromise your values for her. As someone who is much more sensitive to certain values than her husband, I just want to say I understand your frustration but sometimes the other person isn’t better or worse but approaching the problem from a different perspective. Regardless, u just have to accept the other person holds different opinions sometimes and u are only answerable for yours. Ideally u meet halfway (unless the issue is of a grave nature). Honestly, a lot of marriage can be like that since u have to make so many joint decisions. Also, it is best to be absolutely transparent with your intentions to your spouse from the start, otherwise, much like you are getting emotionally hurt by their words, it is possible that they are interpreting your actions to be hurtful aswell ( actions that perhaps would seem kinder if u had disclosed your intentions sooner). When two people fail to communicate, they give the other an opportunity to assume the worst of them.
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JazakAllah khair for your responses, but I feel like many of you did not carefully read what I wrote. I never said I wanted to give Haq Mehr privately. I always intended to give a simple Haq Mehr publicly as Sunnah prescribes, separate from the 3 tola gift. The 3 tola was meant as a private gift of love on the wedding night, not as Haq Mehr. Please don’t mix these two.
My issue is not about gold itself. It is about niyyah (intention). If something is done only to “show people,” it becomes a matter of pride and riyā, and the Qur’an has condemned this over and over again:
(Surah Al-Baqarah 2:264)
(Surah Al-Ma’un 107:4–6)
“Indeed, Allah does not like the arrogant and the boastful.” (Surah An-Nisa 4:36)
Riyā is not a small thing; it destroys sincerity (ikhlās). The Prophet ﷺ warned that even acts of worship are wasted if done for show off. So how can we ignore this when making marriage — a sacred contract — into a public display of wealth?
I tried my best to communicate and done everything. But when a person says “I won’t marry you unless you do this my way for public show,” then it’s not just a communication gap. It’s a difference of values. And values are the foundation of a marriage.
So please, don’t reduce this issue to just “understanding each other.” Sometimes it’s not about understanding, but about whether two people truly share the same principles.
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Yes
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More than gold (mehar or moon-dekhaai), you guys need to work on “understanding” each other.
Dr. Ifan’s reply is religious guidance and Saba’s reply is expert relationship advice.
Sorry, it went south on such a minor problem.
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JazakAllah khair for your responses, but I feel like many of you did not carefully read what I wrote. I never said I wanted to give Haq Mehr privately. I always intended to give a simple Haq Mehr publicly as Sunnah prescribes, separate from the 3 tola gift. The 3 tola was meant as a private gift of love on the wedding night, not as Haq Mehr. Please don’t mix these two.
My issue is not about gold itself. It is about niyyah (intention). If something is done only to “show people,” it becomes a matter of pride and riyā, and the Qur’an has condemned this over and over again:
(Surah Al-Baqarah 2:264)
(Surah Al-Ma’un 107:4–6)
“Indeed, Allah does not like the arrogant and the boastful.” (Surah An-Nisa 4:36)
Riyā is not a small thing; it destroys sincerity (ikhlās). The Prophet ﷺ warned that even acts of worship are wasted if done for show off. So how can we ignore this when making marriage — a sacred contract — into a public display of wealth?
I tried my best to communicate and done everything. But when a person says “I won’t marry you unless you do this my way for public show,” then it’s not just a communication gap. It’s a difference of values. And values are the foundation of a marriage.
So please, don’t reduce this issue to just “understanding each other.” Sometimes it’s not about understanding, but about whether two people truly share the same principles.
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Shukriya tafseelat batanay ka.
Aik muft mashwara relationship/shaadi chalanay ka (yeh, aap k kaam aay ga zindagi bhaar) – khawateen are always right
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Dear brother, Sunnah doesn’t prescribe simple mehr. However it should not be beyond the capacity of the man.
Certain things are publicly made during weddings including the Haq e mehr, no matter if it is big.
The prophet once advised a person to wear good clothes according to his wealth as God is pleased to see the reflections of His blessings on a man.
One is not supposed to judge the intention of a person.
Her demand was justified and your understanding of the religious teachings and societal norm need rectification.
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She might not be wanting to show off (riya) the way you are understanding it brother. Dr Irfan was right, Haq mehar can be a point of pride ( read: great honour) for women. A symbolic representation of a man saying that he will take this women as his financial responsibility. Believe me, I struggle a lot with what seems to be minor, even non existent moral issues to others (even my husband ), so my advise is coming from a place of sympathy. Tbh, I kinda agree with you on that I would prefer a smaller Haq mehar and larger private gift ( as was the actual case in my marriage) however this isn’t a black and white moral issue, infact its pretty trivial one with a lot of grey involved. Again ,I personally struggle deeply with making EVERYTHING a black and white moral or religious issue to the point where my daily life and mental health is affected, but when it comes to my relationships, I make the grey choices to preserve love and harmony. It’s blessing infact to have someone with different opinions and inclinations, because sometimes it’s Allah’s way to show us a different perspective and relieve us of the guilt and stress of our own often “sin-phobic” way of looking at things. Your wife might not always be right (as Sir Sohail jokingly put it) but u can’t be right every time either. This is a mercy as it helps us take the high road sometimes and reserve my strength to fight differences on larger, less grey matters. Brother, this a super tough for u I am sure. I really sympathize with you ( I often need rectification as well from Dr Irfan and other mederators on religious matters). Whatever happened, happened in accordance with Allah’s will and he makes the best decisions for us. U can find solace in that fact.
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