Severely Affected With Fear Of Kufr

[Dr. Irfan Shahzad]

This fear is because of insufficient knowledge of Deen. Dream is easy. God doesn’t ordian anything impossible. And to obey husband doesn’t mean unconditional obedience or servitude.

One should marry a sensible person who knows who to treat his family with love and care. In the internal matters, as per our cultural tradition, women’s opinion prevails but in the administrative matters, men hold the sway. This is a beautiful combination and balance. Learn from your culture his to behave in a married life.

[tasmin afroz]

Assalamu alaikum,

yes I know the obedience is not absolute and there is a reason behind it.

But if I find this obedience to be not tolerable for me as I can not accept someone preventing me from doing something (which I have the right to do). I will feel that why is he preventing me! I am a free human being. I have my own wills. So ultimately this “obedience” seems to be impossible for me to tolerate. I am not rejecting,auzubIllah.

So as feel, I can be thinking so and which will ultimately make me a bad wife or create issues in life, that is why I feel staying away will be a safer option for me. Is reasoning this way a sin?

To be honest marriage responsibility really seems very buredensome to me.

Please be ensured I am not aruging. I am just sharing. (As in writing vocal tone is not possible to deliver) If any of my question seems to be arguing please be assured it is not.

I am just fearing Islam. But I used to love it a lot. But perhaps the wordings of the fatwas I read was misunderstood by be. Or may be culture of middle east is to using harsh words for woman. I don’t know. But as I don’t want to loose my freedom I dont want to marry.

I am a human being too. I too have my own plans dreams. I cannot loose them in case my husband is not ready to let me achieve them.

I am not arguing.

[Dr. Irfan Shahzad]

Marriage is not obligatory. If you don’t want to live a married life You can make your choice.

[Saba Bilal]

Sister! I really relate to you on some levels. Especially starting to fear Islam because of fatwas. They use such hard language for women sometimes that, when I was expecting my child, ( May Allah forgive for such awful awful thoughts, I was ignorant, ungrateful and so stupid ) I was scared of having a daughter as I believed I am fine with being a women and having what I was starting to believe in my head was a inferior place but I was scared of having a daughter who would have the same internal struggles and self hate ( May Allah forgive me, such stupid stupid thoughts). That is infact, how I started to properly engage with the Farahi school of thought. I wanted to educate myself with what I would eventually have to teach my child.

Please listen ( and forgive me if my unsolicited advise is unwelcomed, I simply see someone with similar demons as mine). I also had huge anxieties about marriage and being sinful for the disobedience I show my husband . I used to pray for kind husband who was not controlling. I can not guarantee that is what you will get but I will like to reveal something I found out: unless u are married to a complete control freak ( which not a normal person), your husband probably wants you to take the lead in a lot of stuff, infact they probably marry because they want a partner in life not servant. Yes they get the last say on the big decisions ( both in our religion and culture ) but trust me, it’s a not a dictator giving out orders. You discuss things, disagree with one another, either u relent or he does but if no one relents then u agree to disagree, but follow his decision. But generally speaking, as a wife, u have ALOT of influence over what your husband thinks. I mean alot. A husband usually is not indifferent to your happiness, for why would someone sensible want to actively amcause distress to the person they the most time with. Not everything has to be big showdown where no one backs down but u can gently keep discussing your point of views and it is likely he will see your side , it might even be that u better understand his side. This is not just my experience, but I have seen peaceful marriages for my strong headed friends aswell. I don’t think it is wise to base our opinions on relationships of women much older as I suspect that the men and culture were a little different back then.

Sis, pray for a kind pious husband and IA Allah Talla will show u a side of things that u never knew. I had and still do have dreams, and it is clear to me the only one standing between me and them is me, not my husband . Good spouses uplift and respect each other, and that goes for both genders. When u make a decision ( mutual, yours or his), it is the both of you who will either reap the rewards or deal with the consequences ( without projecting blame on to the one who made it). That’s teamwork, you lose to the person sometimes but the goal is to win as a team.

[Saba Bilal]

Sorry, I feel like I unleashed a lot of vague advise without anything practical that can be helpful. Here’s a few practical things that helped me:

– During the marriage negotiations, clearly state things that cause u the most anxieties ( things that u feel like will cause u great distress if your husband asks u to do/ or not do them). If u do not feel confident enough or do not know how to respectfully state them in your cultural context , ask your brother or father to ask them. My father and mother both advocated for me. Elders asking certain questions, has the added benefit of them lending their experience and wisdom in regards to what the answer is.

– As someone who is still recovering from chronically googling fatwas, i recommend u try to save yourself from this affliction, as it has the potential to cause unwarranted misery while also not substantially enriching u with any real wisdom sometimes. The internet has given us the power and curse to google what ever intrusive religious thought we have, and I am coming to the understanding that (atleast in the Farahi school of thought), an individual should be knowledgeable enough to make certain decisions for themselves. I advise long form media’s to engage with. Books are the best. TBH I really struggle with this.

Again, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts when I read your message, hence the really long texts. Take Care. I hope u find freedom from your internal conflicts.

[Dr. Irfan Shahzad]

When you have options given by God and you opt one, of course, it is not kufr.

[Saba Bilal]

@Irfan76 sir I would also want to know whether kufr can be something like this aswell. What I mean is, can kufr be in a matter of relatively smaller nature , like tasmin feeling like she doesn’t believe something will work for her ( I don’t think she means it like that, but it’s just an example. ). Maybe someone saying ( in some sects) that beard is not part of religion and then the sect can call them out for committing kufr ( as they believe beard is part of religion in their sect). Or is kufr with regard to more fundamental parts of religion, like oneness of Allah, finality of the Prophet SAW, believe the holy books etc.

I think this might be whats what bothering Tasmin aswell, as the word Kufr can sometimes be thrown around. This leads to intense fear for committing kufr especially since I’m not sure where it actually applies.

[tasmin afroz]

@Sabibilal thank you for your warm words in the1st messgae.

[tasmin afroz]

@Irfan76 assalamu alaikum. May be my question was itself not clear.

I meant, the reason behind why I don’t want to marry is like “If I marry I will have to leave my freedom of doing job, going some places where it is permissible to go. But I won’t be able to go if my husband doesn’t permit. And if this notion seems to me to be contradictory to my sense of personal freedom. So I prefer my freedom over marriage.

Or if someone gives me any prevention I feel like” why is he preventing me? Don’t I understand my situation? If I feel like I have my own plan. I am not a slave” and this kind of thought/personal belief ends me up with disobeying him (husband/father)

My question was if I have above feelings when somone prevents me does this things entails kufr?

I know disobeying is a sin itself. But if I beleif husband or father preventing me contradicts my personal freedom is that a kufr?

I know husband and father has their own responsibilities. And in any relation one can not ejnoy 100% of freedom that he/she is entitled to have as a human. Like a man can not enjoy his full wealth alone. has ti give something to the wife, children.

[Dr. Irfan Shahzad]

Of course, it is not kufr to prefer your freedom over life under an authority. It is like not doing a job to save your freedom.