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Is My Relationship With My Boyfriend Problematic?
I live in the West and we both met when we were in high school and got together in college. We were both virgins when we met and have been together for 12 years. We aren’t legally married though but everyone who knows us knows we are together and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I only started learning about Islam very recently.
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9 Replies
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Is My Relationship With My Boyfriend Problematic?
updated 3 months, 3 weeks ago
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9
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The premise is that marriage creates family system, family system is a cushion and requirement for potential children born. Children must be born in a family, ideally having siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well but at the very least, a father and mother that will take responsibility. It is an extra-ordinary need for human beings at birth and 20-30 years onward to need parents’ support. So God has forbidden infidelity that can break families and endanger the children, sometime for generations, potentially creating a society where children are thrown away with no parents or family to look after them. Because the danger is great and sex can be addicting, God has forbidden sexual relationship before marriage as well so that only husband and wife should know each other and form a loyal connection essential for the family system that future children need, both current and potential child. A Muslim does not have a choice in this matter. Having a bf/gf isn’t the problem, having sexual relationship before marriage is, however.
That is explanation for what makes it problematic for God. But, when Prophet (PBUH) was sent, there was another similar problem with people having relationships with slaves. God tolerated it and restricted it to only their masters. So that if a child is born, everyone know who is the father and who will take responsibility, sudden reformation was not possible as people were still learning Islam as well as bad tradition and habits were already in place. Similarly Ghamidi Sahab tell us that boyfriend and girlfriend relations has to be tolerated in similar way for those that just started accepting Islam and learning about it. As for Muslims that aren’t deep in the problem, it’s forbidden clearly. As for your case, you have learned what makes it problematic, and should decide according to your situation as well as discussing it with him and your true intentions. Another problem I suspect you will face is also being that Islam expects marriage with Muslim man, not non-Muslims. Because if that man was a Muslim, you would not have lasted 12 years without getting married in between but if he is a Muslim, then I advise you two to fear God: Discussion 96840
Video for reference:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmFLxI4oXVA-
He isn’t a polytheists though, and I always thought our relationship could be accepted because it isn’t a secret to anyone and we have been exclusive with eachother for so long just like a husband and wife are. We never been with anyone else
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It’s a principle answer (Although the reference was to Christians and Trinity being polytheistic in nature obviously). A Muslim must think about religion when they get married. If you were already married when you asked this question, it could have been tolerated but now this problem sits in front of you as well.
Exception to this was when Islam became a dominant religion and God allowed Muslim men to accept Christian and Jewish wives because they would eventually convert and the child born will definitely follow the dominant religion of the father. But now Islam is not dominant nor are you the husband. Your marriage will be a problem. So I advise you caution. (Usually most people in your situation convince their partner to convert before marriage). If you two were Muslims and had a public relation, in ignorance, it would have been closer to a Nikkah and tolerable until you get married as you hoped but that’s not the case as I pointed out, with him not being a Muslim.
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I hope the following is helpful:
1- If I were in a situation where some drastic decisions, lifestyle changes, or a significant shift in worldview would entail based on Allah’s clear commands, I’d take that opportunity to better understand all matters of faith (e.g. we all must refuse career and business opportunities if it’s not a halal business);
2- Most important point in faith after tawheed is keeping focus of worldly life such that our fate in “akharat” is not at risk.
3- Faith in Allah and the day of judgement provides strength and good guidance in making big decisions in life, wisely.
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Your comment has left me with a different question now, can a married couple willingly choose not to have children? Because you mention marriage as a way to protect children, what if the couple doesn’t want any children?
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Funny. I asked that question too one time (Discussion 73158).
But the translations of the videos and response I got was:
Exceptions do not allow change in the command. Because sex is addicting and things can change. Mr. Ghamidi gives the hypothetical example in the video of allowing a person to have sex with a prostitute but if tomorrow that prostitute changes her mind and wants to get married and have children? How will we change things after bad habits and traditions have taken place? Will someone accept that woman as a wife and mother afterward?
So suppose you go on and get married, a nature forces a child accidentally. Or he changes his mind, or you change your mind? You may end up without a father for your child. You may end up with another husband but would still think about your bf instead, leading a way to Lord forbid, infidelity? What if your second husband learns about your past and divorce you, again leaving you without a father? Then you would have make changes but if your hearts won’t agree. This is what God keeps in mind when He says no exceptions. No exceptions for gambling, for alcohol and for sex. No loophole allowed. That’s principle answer. Now God will judge the results so if all I said suppose doesn’t happen and you reach Day of Judgment with the only sin of marrying a non-Muslim, then you have a chance of being forgiven maybe…maybe (but I personally, wouldn’t take that chance, just saying because rule is: Fear God).
So, if you want sex, you must get married. And as a Muslim, to another Muslim. Otherwise the family system you create afterward may not last.
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I don’t understand the language they speak in the videos
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What I have written is the the translation and summary. And The linked discussion also has a English response.
Video is just provided for reference. Especially in case someone else who knows Urdu has as similar question like you but wants a source.
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