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My Son 20 Yr Not Taking Responsibility For His Life. How To Deal With Him?
Ghamidi Sahab, my son has a strong tendency to remain in his comfort zone, avoid taking responsibility and not take meaningful action for his education.
Despite our repeated efforts and consultations with different therapists & personality development programs, he says he has little or no desire to change this way of living and see a kind of muanfiqat inside him.
As a father, how should I deal with him according to the Qur’an—when should I encourage him to consciously take responsibility and face life’s difficulties, and when should I recognize that there may be an underlying psychological or unconscious block requiring professional help?
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12 Replies
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My Son 20 Yr Not Taking Responsibility For His Life. How To Deal With Him?
updated 2 weeks, 6 days ago
4 Members
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12
Replies
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Assalamualaikum Sir,
I am also 20 years old, so I might be able to understand your son better and help you.
Could you please tell me about his passion and his goals from his perspective and point of view?
(And please don’t treat your 20-year-old son like a child or Kid. He is a grown man now).
Jazakallah hu khair!
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This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by
Masroor Khan.
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This is the problem, he is not having any passion, goals, he just wants to sit in room and browse mobile or take rest he completed 12th grad education in PCM and now is enrolled in an Engg college with all due consultations and counselling and asking his own acceptance for this. He says he has numbness in his heart and looks like a mild depression but even after keeping all doors open for possible cures he is not interested to genuinely address his numbness, lifelessness or depression whatever you call it.
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First of all, with due respect, please don’t marry your son to anyone if he is really mentally unstable or going through mental trauma.
(I’m sorry, but that’s the truthful advice because no girl deserves that.)
And if he has done 12th grade and is in university now doing engineering, then what else does he need to do to prove to you that he is responsible? That’s enough. Don’t burden him or disturb him.
And if nothing happened to him in his childhood — like childhood trauma or any recent trauma — then you should check and monitor his mobile/laptop or anything he uses. I know it’s a privacy breach, but at this point it is necessary for you and for his health. I’m saying this because there are unimaginable things on the internet, so you should check that as well.
And if he clears all this, then I think he might be purposeless. Because purpose builds a person’s attributes. And for example, if he is purposeless, then to some extent it’s also a failure of parenting.
Now if you want, I can suggest a psychologist for you. I’m not promoting him like doing a ad but i think he will help you with this issue very much cause he is in islamic studies as well!
Jazakallah hu khair sir!
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Pls suggest me a psychologist also
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Okay sir so his name is Sahil adeem, he is quite famous on the internet you can search about him on youtube and i think for taking an appointment with him you need to book a session from his website.
Jazakallah hu khair!
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This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by
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First of all, try finding an underlying cause regarding why he is like that.
It could be nihilism. It could be demotivation. It could be the fact that he doesn’t find anything interesting to do.
In case of nihilism, he will only develop it if he likes to read. In that case, just let him read more.
In case of demotivation, have him married, or trick him into going to a swimming club or a book reading club, or a football club. It will motivate and energize him.
Third part is the simplest, just make his life interesting, the way you think he would enjoy.
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One more thing in case of demotivation it might be that he believes he is useless, or something horrible happened to him, or he did something he shouldn’t have.
If something horrible happened to him, then he need counselling (professional help) and a lot of emotional support.
If he did something, try punishing him and then making him feel he has suffered enough and learnt a lot, that way he would move on
If he believes he is useless, you messed up parenthood
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In my knowledge nothing horrible happened
I clarified on anything he did that he regrets now, that in our tradition accepting it as a mistake doing tauba and move on is the right way
Parental mess up I can understand but I don’t see any such mess-up…it is more like a gen z issue where he wants to enjoy life without taking responsibility for it. He should build his life first and then enjoy wherever life permits for it. Marriage promise I already made to him provided he proves that he is responsible.
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If he is so irresponsible, it does point towards a parental mess up but a clap needs two hands.
So my advice is
“Withdraw all financial assistance and treat him like house help”. So that he starts earning subsistence
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This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by Karamat Chaudary.
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This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by
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Dear PARVEZ KHAN
Aoa. !
Just a thought i see in my mind when i read question….
My point of view is that if you put aside all your life experiences and the conclusions drawn from them for a while and forget them for a while and just sit down and talk to your son in detail and try to find out what his point of view is, from what perspective he sees this world and where there is a difference or about this matter, if you understand one thing that there is as much difference between your point of view and your son’s point of view as there is a difference between your and your son’s births time and place.most of the time Nothing is ever wrong or right. Our views call it right or wrong. So it is better that instead of trying to fix it or try to change it, you shoud try to understand it first, then perhaps things will improve to a great extent. I am not saying that everything he says should be accepted or supported. I mean that he should first be understood, what he wants to say may be right, may be wrong, but first you You will understand what he wants to say and in fact, according to my experience, most parents do not know what their son wants and what he means by what he is saying because they forget the difference between their own birth date and their son’s birth date and only see that everyone sees them the same way they see the world.
(This was my point of view only)
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Yeh I did that multiple times. Talked and asked him more about his plans or why he no intentions to do anything and with every deep discussion he always confirmed his habit of going into hi comfort zone and not taking responsibility for life
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Then perhaps I would say….. if he already understands the problem has discussed it with you multiple times and still chooses to remain in his comfort zone maybe it is time to stop trying to pull him out of it through conversations
I don’t think he need any phycologist or anything related to it he just need a kick from life that realize him you are always with him to maintain his comfort zone
Sometimes a person doesn’t leave his comfort zone because there is no real reason to leave it If everything is being provided for him and someone else is carrying the responsibilities and consequences of his choices then there is very little pressure for him to change.At 20, maybe he needs less advice and more responsibility read again. “maybe he needs less advice and more responsibility” Let him experience the consequences of his decisions Give him responsibilities that are actually his to handle. Don’t immediately solve his problems don’t keep reminding him and don’t keep protecting him from every uncomfortable situation.In other words don’t keep asking him to become responsible while continuing to make life comfortable enough for him to remain irresponsible.You can tell him clearly “I love you, and I will always be there for you, but I will no longer live your life for you. These responsibilities are yours now, and the consequences of how you handle them will also be yours”Sometimes you don’t get a person out of their comfort zone by talking them out of it You change the environment around them so that staying there is no longer an option.Of course, this should not mean abandoning him or being cruel It means gradually transferring responsibility from the parent back to the adult child
This is my opinion
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by Shahzad Khan.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by
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