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  • Parents' And Brother's Wrong Ways

    Posted by Sarah on November 8, 2020 at 5:18 pm

    I am currently in a big dilemma. Any help would be much appreciated.

    I have had a rough relationship with my parents. There are so manynthings that went wrong. Mom and dad fighting always, dad hitting my mom, then preferential treatment towardsmy brother etc. It wasn’t too long before I realised that this was not going to turn out well, esp for my brother, who was going rogue coz of my dad and his “liberal” views. And how dad was inculcating in my brother how a wife is meant to be treated – she isn’t blood, but the kids from her are; she pays home bills as well if she wants to live in the same house; parents are more important than the wife etc.

    And then I had my own share of issues, emotional abuse, slaps coz i said something to brother, locking in store and some molestation at the hands of my brother. Molestation at the hand of my maulvi and house servant but i never had my parents to protect me. A lot of issues when I wanted to marry of my choice, so much so that I went into depression and lost a lot of weight .

    Despite all of it, I am now 32 and have long lived in peace with them coz I had pushed my bad times into my subconscious

    Now comes the real problem – my brother treating my bhabi like crap, having affairs and stole her debit card coz she wont “contribute” in the house and what not, abd my parents justifying his behaviour. They even have a daughter and I just cant take it anymore. Knowing my so called educated and liberal parents have turned into typical pakistani in laws who are breaking a home.

    I haven’t lost my temper but decided to stand for my bhabi. And still am. But i just cant get myself to talk to them as my past traumas have also come unwinded. I did my best, without being rude, to tell them they were doing wrong.

    But now I know if i talk to them, my patience will run out and I genuinely dont want to be rude to them.

    Is it ok that I am not picking up their calls and distancing myseld from them for my own mental health and also to convey that they are wrong and i will not stand with wrong.

    What they did with me, I have been able to move on from it but I cant take it that they have ruined a home for a 2 yr old baby. And also not done right with my bhabi.

    Sorry for the long ppst. I hope you can guide me


    $ohail T@hir replied 3 years, 3 months ago 4 Members · 7 Replies
  • 7 Replies
  • Parents' And Brother's Wrong Ways

    $ohail T@hir updated 3 years, 3 months ago 4 Members · 7 Replies
  • Umer

    Moderator November 10, 2020 at 6:46 am

    I am really sorry for all the hardships you’ve had to go through, and I hope and pray that Allah ease up your burdens. Please listen to the following comments of Ghamidi Sahab, you may find some guidance here.

    Please refer to the video below from 1:03:05 to 1:06:25

    • Sarah

      Member November 11, 2020 at 6:47 pm

      Thank you for your reply. Your reference applies to my SIL. She is the one with marital issues.

      I, however, am more concerned about my behaviour towards my parents. I haven’t raosed my voice but told them of their wrong ways. But with my past now havinf caught up with me, I dont believe I can ever talk to them for my own mental health.

      And also coz I know it will be an explosion and I might end up crossing limits God doesn’t want me to. I can’t just be fine and pretend like their toxicity hasn’t caused damage, to not just their son’s home and a 2 yr old baby, but also to his wife and me.

    • Umer

      Moderator November 13, 2020 at 6:05 pm

      What is required from children is not absolute obedience but a pleasant and humble attitude toward parents and one should adhere to this in normal circumstances. In exceptional cases, where parents demolish all the basis of relationship with their cruelty, then of course this requirement would not be applicable and a person should choose an appropriate course of action considering his/her specific circumstances, whether to continue talking to parents or to keep some distance to take care of one’s own health.

  • $ohail T@hir

    Moderator November 14, 2020 at 12:04 pm

    Find a good therapist to go over all the abuse, trauma and other related issues. It takes time to heal from the typa experiences you have dealt with BUT it is doable.

    A good (professional) therapist is what you need. May Allah help you with all the struggle. Ameen.

    • Sarah

      Member November 14, 2020 at 3:05 pm

      I have generally done good with thise traumas coz Allah blessed with strength I never knew I had. He has always been there. But i just can not ignore this fact anymore that my parents and brother have gone down a path i can not bring them back from coz i have tried many times to resolve their issues.

      And now I find talking to them very triggering. And so, I want to avoid them for atleast some time, for my own sanity and mental health.

    • $ohail T@hir

      Moderator November 14, 2020 at 6:31 pm

      “I find talking to them very triggering” – A good therapist guides you on how to emotionally detach yourself so these trigger points don’t bother you anymore.

      Aim: You (or your subconscious) needs to stop guilt-tripping you for not talking to abusive parents (brother). It is 100% ok to avoid engaging them if that is what you like. A much better and controlled response would be when these typa things dont trigger you anymore (therapy gets you there).

      Good luck!

  • Afia Khan

    Member November 14, 2020 at 3:35 pm

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