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Sexism In Islam?
Do following directions not project sexism in Islam?
1: By default, Men have the “right” to divorce. Women can ask for it.
2: By default, men are given the headship of household because of their responsibility of bread n butter however, women can participate, if they want to, and take the charge by mutual agreement.
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25 Replies
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Sexism In Islam?
updated 2 years, 8 months ago
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25
Replies
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Sexism is a recently coined term that refers to an ideology that discriminates among genders on the basis of intrinsic superiority. Islam categorically denies any concept of discrimination among the entire human race and claims that superiority in the the eyes of God is only on the basis of righteousness (Quran 49:13).
Islam views marriage as an institution with focus squarely on the well being of the offspring. It is through this institution that God has chosen to send humans to this world so that they could be tested in His scheme of selection for the paradise. It is the institution of marriage that serves as a building block of any society, and it is through this institution that various bonds of relationship are formed, which in turn also provide testing grounds for humans. Like any other institution, it needs to have an authority figure. By default Islam has chosen the man for this ‘responsibility’ along with the responsibility of earning the bread for the entire family. Given the differences in nature as well as the physical strength of men and women, there couldn’t be any better arrangement.
I think that it was you who asked a similar question in one of the recent Ask Ghamidi Live events. For review, please watch the following video from 54:36:
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Thank You so much for that, @faisalharoon . You are right about me asking the question however, I keep stumbling back to this confusion as I still don’t understand that what circumstances could possibly there be in which the husband has to exercise this “leadership” position that he has been granted with. Whatever hypothetical situation I think of, I feel that a husband needs to/should consult with his wife and then reach to a mutual consensus to protect the integrity of the household instead of just going on and making a decision.
I understand that this is the burden of responsibility but the word “قوامون” sounds like wives will have to submit their will, their rights, and their whole decision making ability to the husbands just because of their “responsibility of earning”. It seems like husbands can override any decision of their wives (not saying that they do or they will but THEY CAN). If that is not the case then, as said earlier, I cannot think of the situation in which this “leadership position” or final authority/word is needed. As an understanding couple, I think that every decision has to be mutually agreed upon. If one person has the authority to override, than this might sow the seed of grudge and discontent in the other person which can bring “the institution” to the grounds.
Moreover, the reasoning that males have more physical ability to endure the hardships of earning is fading away as more and more females are proving their powers in various fields of life, sometimes doing even better than males, being supermoms, and managing households. 1400 years ago that wasn’t happening but it could be said that, at that time, women were not allowed to participate in bread earning activities and were kept inside instead of saying that their physical bodies were incapable of doing that.
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Brother Abdullah, as a Muslim and a believer I would try to find the reason why Allah recommended this, without an expectation that every time I will find an answer that will satisfy me or every time I will be able to read the mind of Allah if he has not directly answered the question himself.
But once I believed Allah, I wouldn’t call him potentially sexist.
You gave two examples in support of your argument that Allah is perhaps sexist and biased against women.
1. Do you think he has a motive to be biased against women?
2. Your second example actually goes against your argument. It seems like Allah is extremely sexist and biased against men. He seems to be putting the entire responsibility of one of the most difficult task in this World of earning money on men. Furthermore he wants men to share his earings with his wife and children for his entire life.
Beyond that he has to physically protect his wife and family and if necessary fight till death in a conflict or a war.
Now returning to your first example. I have heard of an answer that did not completely satisfy me but this is how it goes. In Islam since a man has to earn and share his earnings, he is given leadership of the organization of a family. Just like a leader of any other organization, the leader can fire a subbordinate while a subbordinate can only submit a resignation. A subbordinate cannot fire a leader of an organization as there are msny other subbordinates in an organization that a leader manages too.
Also the leadership position for men is Allah’s recommendation as men are generally better suited to earn and go through physical strains.
If by mutual agreement a woman wants to take all the man’s responsibilities so be it. In that case perhaps the woman will be able to divorce her husband.
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That’s very true. I am also struggling with this in understanding the rationale for this. The only answer that satisfies me is that this order of men being the governors of women was according to that society’s overwhelming trend and not meant to be lasting forever as you can clearly see that women are as capable of bearing the burden of this responsibility as men.
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Muhammed, I can share a differenct perspective. Please go through statistics.
1. Please check the population of the World and see how many families, husband, wife and children, combined can even earn enough money just to feed themselves.
2. How many women are sole earners and running the family.
3. Are women making more money than men?
The capable educated women in the World who can earn enough to support the entire family will be less than 0.01% of all women.
For exceptions where women can do that husband and wife can reverse role.
I and many other men will personally do it in a heart beat, but it needs to be a pure switch. I can manage children and hosehold very well and spare tons of my time for entertainment. My wife can earn and share money with me and go fight for me, do yard work, write bills, fix around the house, fix my car, get groceries, do all heavy lifting and physically strenuous work, lift my shopping bags, open car door for me, wash my cars, build a shed, paint the house and still help me with cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc.
And if she divorces me, she neefs to pay me a contracted amount and child support.
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The reasons for working independent women being less could possibly and probably be attributed to men not allowing them to do so and I am a witness of that so, the statistics do have a reason and it’s not in our favor.
Secondly, when you list all the chores, it seems that you are dividing the roles and assigning the chores to genders instead of bringing the concept of sharing them. Like, why does only one person has to do all those strenuous chores and why not just help each other be it cooking or grocery shopping or car wash r fix around the house?
These are not gender roles but we have made them to be. Islam doesn’t talk about this or at least I am unaware of it being mentioned in Quran or Sunnah.
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@Abdullah
“I feel that a husband needs to/should consult with his wife”
There’s no denying this. The cause for your confusion is that you’re looking at marriage through the lens of the modern day concept of equal partnership. Islam, on the other hand, views marriage as an institution with one person bearing the responsibility and having the final authority, while the other person aligning herself with the first. The husband has been asked to treat his wife well, and in addition Islam gives a very broad moral code of conduct to every Muslim which of course includes husbands and wives. Every Muslim is supposed to treat others with love, empathy, and dignity, and is never supposed to exceed the bounds of justice established by God.
“It seems like husbands can override any decision of their wives”
Technically yes, however, practically, men who go this route would go against the essence of God’s will, and as you also pointed out, would ruin their marriages.
“If one person has the authority to override, than this might sow the seed of grudge and discontent in the other person”
Not if the man and the woman have accepted in their hearts the Islamic concept of marriage. You have to look at this topic in the context of God conscious men and God conscious women who understand their rights and responsibilities, God’s scheme, as well as their roles in that scheme.
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Thanks a lot for the explanation. The second argument and its explanation,
“Technically yes, however, practically, men who go this route would go against the essence of God’s will, and as you also pointed out, would ruin their marriages.”
This is another main confusion that what good is this privilege the use of which basically kills the institution it was supposed to uphold?
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The use doesn’t kill the institution; abuse does.
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That’s basically with everything. I am merely trying to understanding a hypothetical/real-world scenario in which one might invoke this privilege/right?
Like why do we even need this kind of dynamics at the very first place when everything has to be mutually agreed upon?
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Muhammad, here are some real example.
1. A husband want to spend some money to help his parents in need. The wife apposes it and husband tries to convince her unsuccessfully so he goes ahead and overides the decision.
2. Husband wants children to take some religious classes and the wife apposes it because she is not into religion.
3. Wife pushes husband to move to another city away from husband’s parent for no apparent good reason.
4. Wife wants to buy a property a little too expensive that would put family into difficult financial situation and perhaps husband will have to take a second job.
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Sir Nadeem,
1: Humbly, he can do it regardless cuz it’s his earning. I am pretty sure you or anyone else would say the same if it were wife earning it and wanted to spend on her parents.
2: These things need to be pre-decided. Moreover, What if wife wants to do it and husband opposes it? I am pretty sure a wife can’t override this decision just cuz husband is earning. What do you propose then?
3: As you mentioned by yourself, any “for no purpose” request is not a very good example at all and again the assumption is it is coming from wife. What if it’s coming from husband? Can he go for it just cuz he’s bread earner?
4: She can definitely go for it if she is earning WHILE husband is disagreeing. Again, this is not something you need to override but just discuss. Moreover, the assumption is that only wives are irrational which again, sorry to say, sounds a bit sexist. Same question as in before, what if husband is in that place? Who’s there to override?
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Brother Muhammad. I am sharing real life experiences; not hypothetical ones. Also, I am not saying a man has the right to make decision. The arguments is mutual decisions in every aspect of life verses one person having a right to override a decision.
1. Since it is equal relationship, the money earned by both is shared and can’t be spent without the mutual decision, so there is conflict whether a wife or a husband can or cannot spend money on his/her parents.
2. You can’t pre-decide everything. Many things come up later in life and scenarios arise. Don’t go on a single example, but there are numerous examples.
3. It is rare and I have yet to see where husband wants to stay away from wife’s family. Set my comment aside for a moment. still the point is not who the request to move away from parents comes from and why, the point is that an uncompromising issue comes that can’t be mutually resolved. Now how to make a decision. I am not saying the husband or the wife. The point is one person having the ultimate decision rights vs. both have to always decide. There can’t be consensus in everything. Sometimes one person has to give up and sometimes the other, but what to do in an uncompromising issues.
4. I am not aligned with your assessment. The purchase requires husband to take the second job. The husband is already earning 4 times more money than the wife.
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The assumption is that Egalitarian marriage is superior. This is how it’s portrayed since start of industrial revolution and capitalist world order(economic terms only)
This trumpet is blown so hard and for so long that now we don’t even ask the egalitarian marriage torch bearers “ please enlighten us by sharing any proofs u may have” evidence is on the contrary when we considered “women happiness” the core reason to free women from traditional wife role
In the last 20 yrs there r no of surveys and studies identifying that traditional marriage is more satisfying for women. Recent large study looked at sexual intimacy between egalitarian & traditional marriages. Traditional marriage affords more intimacy. Egalitarianism is also becoming more problematic in samesex marriages and partners assumes traditional roles to stay happier
Nothing is more complex than marriage, but 1 factor identified as predictor of women’s happiness is husband taking part is household chores. Looks at the life of Muhammad SAW, he was the busiest man ever lived, Allah has to instruct in Quran to give him some privacy. Yet he found time to do his personal work like washing clothes, he did kitchen stuff like milking the goat and also helped with keeping the house tidy. We adopted gender roles based upon culture and now defending our culture not religion.
Private business by women was v common in Medina, Muhammad SAW was employed by an independent business women! The first ever quality inspector in Medina’s market was a woman appointed by Umer RA. Women’s scholars used to have student circles in Masjid nabwi etc etc. Islamic Spain, best coffe shops were owned and run by women.
There’s is lot of evidence from archaeological data and excavation studies but I’ll stop here for now.
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Can you please share the credible survey stating what you mentioned?
Secondly, husband taking part is household chores is basically the part of egalitarian; both partners are maintaining the house instead of just leaving it to women/wives. Once this is introduced, please tell me what else is there a difference left?
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Muhammad, if all chores and all responsibilities were equally divided (which is practically not possible) even then it requires someone to be a leader to make a decision. In some of such families, husband and wife divide their decision making responsibilities for different aspects of life. Still there are some uncompromising issues that cannot be decided mutually and someone has to have authority to overide. I have given some examples above where mutual decision was not possible.
Regarding women working. That is like grass is greener on the other side. Disregarding exceoptions, when women are not allowed to work, they want to work, when they are allowed to work, after a while they don’t want to work or they want to work and not share their money or ignore equal responsibility in other chores.
Work mostly is no a career oriented and a well paying office work. It will be rare for any man or women to work for money if there is already a sufficient source of money.
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Also if both man and women are equal in marriage in every aspect the marriage breaks down fairly quickly because sooner or later some uncompromising issues come up in life and when a decision cannot be reached and both parties are equally powerful and self sufficient it ends up in divorce.
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That is because they lack compromising skills and not because someone is not a superior. If they are unable to reach agreement, they’d end up divorcing even if husband was the one with the power to override because they are unable to compromise and either of them can initiate the divorce process.
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Muhammad, you are assuming husband is superior. No one is superior over the other, but one person has to lead; Allah allowed the one earning and spending on the family as a leader. It can be a woman.
There are something in life that can’t or shouldn’t be compromised; in such situations if both are equally powerful and self-sufficient a divorce is more likely in a conflict.
In an organization if there were two CEOs and each could fire the other one, it wouldn’t work. If that arrangement was a great arrangement there would be multiple CEOs in organizations.
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https://www.researchgate.net/publication/229916382_Egalitarian_or_traditional_Correlates_of_the_perception_of_an_ideal_marriagehttps://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4273893/
Traditional gender role is related to greater sexual intimacy
https://globalnews.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/sex-study.pdf
Analysis of 3 studies, sexual intimacy can predict marital happiness under regular/normal circumstances
Read the abstract if u don’t have time. Social/relationship studies r v complex and honestly v boring to read!
Husband doing household work is not egalitarian at all. That’s not the meaning or understanding of an egalitarian marriage brotherIf husband and wife do help out each other (husband doing housework and wife takes on some more masculine stuff or just takes care of her husband) that’s Ehsaan. Not the urdu version but quranic Ehsaan meaning doing extra out of love or respect or devotion This is far more comforting for both partners than any egalitarian idea. Main idea is to keep your spouse happy and satisfied so you can both strive for their own goals for this world and hereafter. -
This aayah (34) of surah noor stating husbands as caretakers of wives states two reasons. One of those reasons is that “Allah has favored some over others”
Is that favor talking about physical health or something else? I agree that the concept of superiority in Islam is based on piety however, here it states favoring some over the others in the context of a particular relationship.
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It is a great favor and blessing for women that someone is made reponsible to take care of them. On the other hand, it is a big responsibility on men to take care of women financially , physically, and psychologically.
The way I see the facts are that except for the burden of child birth, all other responsibilities are on men.
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It seems that you’re interpreting the aayah to be “the favor is for women” whereas, the next statement “and because they (men) spent from what is bestowed on them” clearly says that the favor is for men.
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How is it a favor for men if they are asked to share from their earnings?
Men have been blessed with stronger body. Then to be fair, Allah put reponsibility of earning and fighting on them. Women are created physically weak and then Allah offset that with not putting the responsibility of working or fighting on them.
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Brother Nadeem, I am merely quoting the words from Quranic Ayah. I am not saying that men are favored, it is Quranic verse that is (apparently) saying this. Sharing from their earnings is a second argument/reasoning in that ayah whereas, the first one is them being favored and that is precisely my question here “what kind of favoritism is it?” Is it physically being stronger or something else?
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