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Is It Haram To Be Friends With The Opposite Gender?
I saw an old video of Dr Shehzad Saleem where he said that friendship between boys & girls is not allowed in Islam.
However, in this forum I have found a discussion where it was said that it’s ok to be friends with someone of the opposite gender as long as some boundaries are followed.
Discussion 37173 • Reply 43684
I find it somewhat confusing as these two opinions seem contradictory. That video of Dr Shehzad Saleem is 10 years old, I don’t know if his views have changed lately as he has made another 2 hour long video in recent times where he discussed about opposite gender friendship & dating (the thumbnail seems to suggest that). But this new video is in Urdu & I don’t understand Urdu very well (I will appreciate if someone here can summarize what he said in this new video about friendship with the opposite gender)
So this issue has been confusing me for quite some time. Is it ok to be friends as long as certain boundaries are met, or is it not allowed as Dr Shehzad Saleem mentioned in his old video?
- (If it is allowed, then what are the boundaries that should be maintained with friends of the opposite gender? Are we allowed to hang out together? Can we tell jokes & chat with one another? Are we allowed to visit each others houses?)
- (If it is haram, then what should one do if someone already has friends who are members of the opposite gender? Should we cut all communications with them or should we maintain strict professional relationships with one another?)
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6 Replies
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Is It Haram To Be Friends With The Opposite Gender?
updated 2 years, 10 months ago
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Replies
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Sorry about the confusion. Neither has Dr. Saleem’s viewpoint changed in this regard nor what I said in the post you referenced is in contradiction with Dr. Saleem’s viewpoint.
Dr. Saleem qualified his opinion by using the term “conventional friendship”. What he means by that is type of relationship we make with our male friends where we’re very relaxed, crack jokes, travel together, do other activities together, tell each other our secrets, and are usually not mindful of our language and demeanor. This kind of friendship is obviously not allowed with a female person.
A purposeful friendship at school or work where we casually know each other and sometimes exchange lecture notes or help each other in homework assignments, etc. is not a problem. Even in this kind of friendship we should always be mindful of the bounds set by God (norms of gender interaction) as referenced below. Any meetings with female friends should also be in the public eye.
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What he means by that is type of relationship we make with our male friends where we’re very relaxed, crack jokes, travel together, do other activities together, tell each other our secrets, and are usually not mindful of our language and demeanor. This kind of friendship is obviously not allowed with a female person.
But then it’s just a strict professional relationship and not friendship. I get it that sharing our secrets, not being mindful of our languages & doing many other activities together are something that are normally only done with close friends or best friends. But other things that were mentioned here like cracking jokes is done not only with ordinary friends, but with even acquaintances & colleagues. Without joking, it’s nothing but a strict professional relationship than a (because even teachers many times crack jokes in the classrooms in front of students, colleagues in offices also crack jokes who are not necessarily friends. Even Ghamidi Sahib tells jokes to his audiences sometimes & make them laugh. Only in a strict professional relationship like between a boss and a worker, there would be no cracking jokes). I think this needs more clarification what he meant by cracking jokes specifically, because people many times crack jokes with other people who are not even their friends.
A meaningful friendship at school or work where we casually know each other and sometimes exchange lectures notes or help each other in homework assignments, etc. is not a problem.
But that’s called acquaintanceship or colleagueship. Your classmates are basically acquaintances with whom you share notes, lectures and help each other in homeworks. With your friends you hang out (like you go to restaurants, coffee shops or parks), or you can visit their houses which is generally not done with acquaintances.
I mean, even among friends, there are certain categories. Like ordinary friends, close friends, best friends. Below ordinary friends lies acquaintances & colleagues. I understand that a boy and a girl aren’t allowed to be close friends as it will involve meeting in seclusions, touching one another, sharing secrets, sleeping over etc. However, can they be ordinary friends? Like for example:
- Are they allowed to go to public places like restaurants or coffee shops together?
- Can they visit each other’s house as long as their family members are there & they don’t sit inside a room with doors locked? (Like for birthday, Eid or other festivals, not only for the purpose of studying or work)
- Can they travel together in groups? Not one boy & one girl, but in a friends group where a number of boys & girls are present?
If the answers to these questions are “yes”, then that means they can be normal friends. If the answers to these are “no”, then they can only be acquaintances or colleagues, not friends
(however the “cracking jokes” part still needs more clarification, as people often crack jokes with their coworkers & acquaintances who are not friends)
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What he means by that is type of relationship we make with our male friends where we’re very relaxed, crack jokes, travel together, do other activities together, tell each other our secrets, and are usually not mindful of our language and demeanor. This kind of friendship is obviously not allowed with a female person.
But then it’s just a strict professional relationship and not friendship. I get it that sharing our secrets, not being mindful of our languages & doing many other activities together are something that are normally only done with close friends or best friends. But other things that were mentioned here like cracking jokes is done not only with ordinary friends, but with even acquaintances & colleagues. Without joking, it’s nothing but a strict professional relationship than a (because even teachers many times crack jokes in the classrooms in front of students, colleagues in offices also crack jokes who are not necessarily friends. Even Ghamidi Sahib tells jokes to his audiences sometimes & make them laugh. Only in a strict professional relationship like between a boss and a worker, there would be no cracking jokes). I think this needs more clarification what he meant by cracking jokes specifically, because people many times crack jokes with other people who are not even their friends.
A meaningful friendship at school or work where we casually know each other and sometimes exchange lectures notes or help each other in homework assignments, etc. is not a problem.
But that’s called acquaintanceship or colleagueship. Your classmates are basically acquaintances with whom you share notes, lectures and help each other in homeworks. With your friends you hang out (like you go to restaurants, coffee shops or parks), or you can visit their houses which is generally not done with acquaintances.
I mean, even among friends, there are certain categories. Like ordinary friends, close friends, best friends. Below ordinary friends lies acquaintances & colleagues. I understand that a boy and a girl aren’t allowed to be close friends as it will involve meeting in seclusions, touching one another, sharing secrets, sleeping over etc. However, can they be ordinary friends? Like for example:
- Are they allowed to go to public places like restaurants or coffee shops together?
- Can they visit each other’s house as long as their family members are there & they don’t sit inside a room with doors locked? (Like for birthday, Eid or other festivals, not only for the purpose of studying or work)
- Can they travel together in groups? Not one boy & one girl, but in a friends group where a number of boys & girls are present?
If the answers to these questions are “yes”, then that means they can be normal friends. If the answers to these are “no”, then they can only be acquaintances or colleagues, not friends
(however the “cracking jokes” part still needs more clarification, as people often crack jokes with their coworkers & acquaintances who are not friends)
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Yes, it is supposed to be more like a professional / acquaintance type of a friendship where distance and decency should be maintained. The more reserved it can be the better. Cracking decent jokes is not haram within itself but it generally signifies a more relaxed relationship. Occasionally and within means it can be acceptable.
The key thing to remember is that it’s a slippery slope and left unchecked it often leads to zina which is one of the great sins. It is therefore one should be mindful and the guards should not be let down from the get go.
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So this means one should avoid cracking jokes too much, but jokes that sometimes comes out within context is ok?
& the 3 questions that I asked regarding friendships, are those allowed or prohibited? The questions were:
- Are they allowed to go to public places like restaurants or coffee shops together?
- Can they visit each other’s house as long as their family members are there & they don’t sit inside a room with doors locked? (Like for birthday, Eid or other festivals, not only for the purpose of studying or work)
- Can they travel together in groups? Not one boy & one girl, but in a friends group where a number of boys & girls are present?
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Ikram Hawramani gave a very well balanced answer in his article on friendship between men & women. There is nothing in the Quran & Sunnah that explicitly says friendship is haram, however the more close friends they become, the more risky the relationship becomes. They need to maintain a balance.
Read the article, it explains this topic very nicely:
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