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Dealing With Emotionally Abusive Parent
Aslam o alaikum…
My question is that my father is use to be a little bit harsh towards my mother. He although never hit her or abuse her but he is not a perfect husband too. He always took care of us financially but never protected my mother in front of his family. He has also some anger issues too. Due to all these factors, my hatred towards him is increasing day by day.i tried to talk with him but he is ignorant and illiterate. I can’t change him in this age as he is 55 years old now .One day, in his anger he throw a plate towards me and used some harsh words.it is an incident of 6th June. Now, he is in abroad. But from 6th June I never talk with him. I completely ignored him. Whenever I thought about that incident my rage towards him is soaring. Actually It was an incidence of two days before of him leaving for abroad. thats why I apologize to him although i have not any fault. But he never feel regret on his behaviour. Is being a father an angel?I mean he never make a mistake or say sorry if he has done some wrong. I simply choose the way to completely avoid him and not to talk with him. I can’t change him and I can’t even argue with him. I don’t want my life to be disturbed so much thats why I choose this way. Now, please tell me is this righteous from Islamic point of view or not. but please explain it completely.
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6 Replies
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Dealing With Emotionally Abusive Parent
updated 3 years, 4 months ago
4 Members
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6
Replies
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Sorry to hear your story
Your father could’ve done much worse as a father but he didn’t! Just give it a thought
You don’t have the right or responsibility to change someone BUT you have the responsibility to change yourself
No, being father doesn’t give u angelic status but being a son/daughter doesn’t make you judge either
Don’t judge your father, follow Muhammad SAW approach of showing patience, peace, responding with love, care and compassion towards his enemies and towards his family members. His family rejected, ridicule him, showed happiness when his son died but he only treated them with kindness.
Don’t judge your father’s actions but your actions only. Be the best child you could be and slowly he’ll transform too.
Dont argue to prove your point, there’s no victory in defeating your parents.
If u think he’s not nice to your mother then you treat her with more respect and love. Learn more about moral values of Islam, life of Muhammad SAW and live these values and teach with your actions and not your tongue.
If you bring about change in you, your father will change his attitude for sure.
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HHe is 55 years old, if my mother couldn’t change her than how can I change her. I even tried but failed. I have my own goals as it’s my peak time of carear.i have to work hard than how can I waste my bunch of time on my father just to make him correct. Besides that due to this fact i choose only this way to escape fron everone as to limit my life and talk with my mother and siblings when it is necessary. I cant chamge them but i can limit myself to me. Is it right?
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Please read my reply again
I didn’t say you try and change your father but change yourself only
So u want to work on your career and chase your goals and that’s why you have limited yourself to talk with your family only when necessary
Would you be ok with the above if your father adopted similar attitude when you were young?
The bottom line is that we all have our share of responsibilities, obligations and rights. We can not ask for our rights unless we fulfill our obligations.
Islam can not help you here. Allah commanded us to treat our parents with love, care and compassion. It’s upto us to decide how, why and when and upto what extent we should do it. You will not find a fine tuned personally tailored plan for yourself. It’s for you to decide.
Your obligation and responsibility is to be the best son you possibly can in your own circumstances.
Anybody can be nice if the other person is good and that’s not an achievement at all.
At the end of the day you are responsible for your actions alone and not your father’s
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Please listen to the following response by Hassan Ilyas sahab:
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I went through this exact situation, but more severe. My father actually beat up my mother many times for innocent things, such as watching TV, reading story books,and while she was holding 2 month old baby in her hands and for many other insignificant things.
When I was mature enough I verbally fought with him but couldn’t stop him. I found no way to stop him and even thought about killing him at one time just to save my mother. Allah found a way and he left for work in a foreign country for 14 years and things settled down except when he came home for a month in a year.
Anyhow, I never disrespected him but only raised my voice when he was hitting my mother. I never hated him but when he was hitting my mother. He even pulled gun on me to kill me, but I did not disrespect him. He has passed away at the age of 92, but I love and miss him.
So in summary, you can hate his specific actions, try to stop him as necessary, but there is no need to hate him totally or disrespect him in normal life.
I think that is also what Islam teaches us.
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Thank you…
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